An example student 'Email' for the CAE (Cambridge English Advanced) exam with feedback from a teacher

Writing Class: Email

Task Type: Email

Question
You have been informed that the company you work for is going to close down its sport and leisure club in order to save costs. You have organised a meeting with your colleagues to discuss the matter and the following points were made:

The club is used by most employees after work and it brings a lot of benefits.
The management should reconsider its decision and consider alternatives.
Action: write a email to the Managing Director on behalf of employees explaining our views and asking for a change of mind.

Write your email to the Managing Director. (Between 220 and 260 words)

Makeover: Dorota

Read Dorota's answer to this question below. Try correcting the piece of writing yourself first: use the marking codes to think about what might be wrong (or what's good) about the piece of work. Then when you're ready, click the green buttons in the text for our feedback.

To: Managing Director

From: Staff Representative

Re: Decision on closing our leisure centre T

I am writing on behalf of my colleagues to express our concern about your decision to close our fitness club and we would like to share with you our opinions on this matter. Gd

As you know, many of us go to this club regularly. We take advantage of its wonderful facilities, ranging from /\ swimming pool to /\ sauna. The club location is very convenient for employees because we do not waste time commuting there since this centre is very close to our work place. Furthermore, this leisure centre seems to be an ideal place for relaxing after a hard day at work. You cannot deny R that general health is closely connected with work efficiency.

In addition to have WF these sports amenities we can also enjoy eating at the small restaurant which belongs to this complex. The food there is healthy and reasonably priced so many employees choose eating WF there instead of cooking at home.

We appreciate that there is a real need to decrease costs. Gd However, closing the club is not the only solution available. We encourage you to find another ways WF of saving money. Perhaps some of us would accept a slightly WF increase in prices of WW using these amenities, of course with reduced rates.

Taking everything into account, we would be grateful if you could reconsider your decision. We are convinced that retaining this club would be beneficial both for all employees and work performance. Gd

Feedback

Content
You have provided a full and very thoughtful response to the task, provided a clear outline of the benefits of the club and offered suggestions as to how the situation might be resolved. The reader would be fully informed.

Communicative Achievement
The style/tone of this email is just right, and you state your points in a calm but persuasive manner - highly appropriate for the MD! The reader would be fully engaged throughout.

Organisation
The email is clearly organised with a logical use of paragraphs. You have used cohesive devices well - 'as you know', 'furthermore', 'in addition' etc.

Language
In terms of your use of English, this is a well-written email. You have used both vocabulary and grammatical structures to express simple and more complex ideas effectively. Note the following:

check your work for spelling (or just typing) errors.
check your verb and word forms.

Well done!

Marking Code

/\ Word(s) missing

- Omit word

C Capitalization

Gd Good

O Organisation

P Punctuation

PE Poorly expressed

R Register/Formality

SS Sentence Structure

S Spelling

T Tip (Not wrong but a suggestion)

WF Wrong form

WO Word order

WT Wrong tense

WW Wrong word

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Cambridge English: Advanced