An example student 'Proposal' for the CAE (Cambridge English Advanced) exam with feedback from a teacher

Writing Class: Proposal

Task Type: Proposal

Question
You are a member of a committee that is campaigning for an international sports competition to be hosted in your home town. You have received the following memo:

To: Committee members
From: Chairman
I would be grateful if all members could write a short proposal giving their views on the following points:

why our town would be a suitable host for the competition
any objections to our campaign and how we can overcome them
suggestions as to how we can make the best use of our budget

Write your proposal for the Chairman of the committee.

Makeover: Nardin

Read Nardin's answer to this question below. Try correcting the piece of writing yourself first: use the marking codes to think about what might be wrong (or what's good) about the piece of work. Then when you're ready, click the green buttons in the text for our feedback.

Dear Chariman -

I am writing WW with regard to the campaign that you are promoting in favour of an international sports competition that could be hosted in my town.

As a matter of fact Venice could be a very good candidate for hosting the marathon competition, which will last one day.

Venice is one of the most beautiful cultural cities in Italy. The marathonets WW coming before or staying after the competition can take the advantage of visiting the city, which offers a great deal of facilities. PE

There are two separate communication networks in the city, that of the waterways and that of the narrow streets. Public water buses and private water taxis run 24 hours a day although less frequently at night. The main centre can be reached very easily. Despite /\ the private service is very expensive it is efficient.

Four and five star hotels are located in the main area, but smaller hotels and a youth hostel are also available to families.

Hotel receptions and travel agencies are always ready to help their guests with a wide range of information on the city's entertainments, exhibitions and so on.

Sightseeing and excursions with private local guides are available on request.

In addition to this WW there is a significant lack of evening entertainments in the city such as theatres, cinemas and night-clubs.

On the contrary, WW participants will find a wide range of restaurants, trattorias and bars with a good selection of menus suggesting local food. Some of these restaurants can be quite expensive.

In conclusion I think there will be no obstacles and objections to host WF this sporting competition in my town which on the other hand is also a cultural event for many of the participants.

Yours faithfully -

Feedback

This proposal has been very well written, Nardin, in terms of your grammar and vocabulary. However, you need to really focus on the fact that this is a proposal you are writing. In fact, the layout of your answer is like that of a letter but it reads more like a tourist information brochure!
Remember also that the task had three parts to it: you've addressed the first part (why Venice should host the competition) but haven't really dealt with the objections or how to spend the budget wisely. This would lose you marks in the exam, unfortunately. You also need to think about organising your sentences into paragraphs, and as this is a proposal, having headings for each section.
On the plus side your control of language is good - just make sure in the exam that you answer all parts of the question!

Marking Code

/\ Word(s) missing

- Omit word

C Capitalization

Gd Good

O Organisation

P Punctuation

PE Poorly expressed

R Register/Formality

SS Sentence Structure

S Spelling

T Tip (Not wrong but a suggestion)

WF Wrong form

WO Word order

WT Wrong tense

WW Wrong word

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Cambridge English: Advanced