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Writing Paper: Part 2
Task type: Story

Question
Your school where you are studying English is holding a short story competition:

 

Write a short story with the title

'The holiday of a lifetime'.

The best story will be published in the school magazine.

Write your story for the magazine (around 120-180 words).


Name: Claudia Walter

School: Embassy Language School, Cambridge

essay: The holiday of a lifetime

I'm a real fan of northern Countries, like Norway, Sweden and Denmark. I'm a lucky person, because I share this special liking with two of my best frends.{***} Every summer we are going {1} to one of this {2} countries.

Last summer {***} {3} we were in Sweden, we rent {4} a little wooden house near a lake, hiered {5} a car and travelled over the whole south part of {6} Sweden. We visited Stockholm, Goetheburg, a little villige {7} called Vaxio, which the Swedish people call the town of the red-white sweets, and a lot {8} more nice cities and places. I like Sweden, because of the strong coulars {9} and the wild countryside.

One day, we were driving through a forest, when suddenly the car in front of us braked sharply.{***} In the middle of the road stood a {10} Elk, and it didn't want to move. I've never seen an {11} more impressiv {12} animal than this, it was so near, you could nearly touch it. Normaly {13} they are really shy and finealy {14}, when the driver of the oder {15} car opened the door, it run {16} away.

It was a holiday I will never forget!

Feedback

This is a lovely account of your holiday in Sweden, with an interesting incident that will keep the reader interested until the end. The essay is organised well into paragraphs and your vocabulary is generally good.
For the makeover I only had to focus on correcting:
1. Spelling.
2. Tenses.
3. One or two problems with articles.
In the exam you should allow time to proofread your work and to check the above points in particular, so you don't lose marks unnecessarily.
Good luck!

Fiona Joseph
20.11.00

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Other Answers

Hyang -sook Lee, LSC in Canada,

Having been in Canada,I tried to take advantage of being here and then decided to go to the United States -San Francisco,to be precise.
It was my first time that I traveled alone,so I was excited and a little nervous.I was supposed to transfer the flight in Pittsburg but unfortunately the weather at the time was terribly bad ,consequently we hadn't been able to land around for 3 hours.All passengers started to be afraid of delaying including me.To make it worse, some identified smoke was suddenly coming out-it turned out that it had been for circulating the air later,though. We became totally terrified.I had never felt scary like that before.
However, fortunately we managed to arrive at the airport in Buffalo even if that place was not Pittsberg.
Wherever we landed,it didn't matter to us.The important thing was that we were fine.Afterward, we talked about this unforgettable experience waiting for next flight which was holding in Halifax.
Every time I think of it,I still feel scary.



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Ana, LSC in Canada,

Holidays are the best things people can do in their spare time. There are a lot of activities that you can do, it depends of your interests. I am going to tell you about one of my best holidays in my life.
This holidays were on this summer I went to a town called San Miguel de Allende that is located in Mexico. San Miguel is a really beautiful and ancient town. It has a lot of ancient churches and is a nice town for walking.
Well this summer I went with my friends I have a house over there and we really spend a good time, in the morning we used to go to walk all around the town knowing new places and its history, and we used to eat in different restaurants to try different kind of food. Actually is a place for relaxing and just spend a good time. You should go over there!




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Kyu Min Lee, Embassy CES,

when I was 22 years old I had a friend called 'president' who was waiting to do his military service. Before he began doing it,he decided to go on holiday to Ge-Ju island.
When we got there,his girlfried who had wanted to join our trip came out to pick us up. First,we rented some bikes and then we went to the bike-ride.
We enjoyed it so much. But it didn't last for a long time. One day, we were on the way to Jung-Mun beach where there are a lot of sights to see and there was one of the biggist places we visited. But when I looked behind,he was not his position. So we had no choice to look for him and spended two hours for it. As we found him,he looked so exhausted because he had walked for two and half an hour with his bike. He had had some problems with his one,especially paddle. So we all walked until when we found a bike shop.
At a moment, it is really funny. Whenever we meet, we are used to remind that happening. But I really don't want to experience it again.




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